Full moon, clear skies, cold weather. Bitterly cold, like minus-25° Celcius bitterly cold (minus-38°C with the windchill)… far too cold for me to even think about trying to do the conversion to Fahrenheit for the benefit of our American friends.

Let’s just say it’s cold enough — if I may be so indelicate and unladylike (which I damn well may, because it’s that cold) — it’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. So, naturally, I’ve spent the evening scoping the Interweb for a brass monkey — just to test the truth of the old adage. Lots of the cute and morally improving See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil monkey trio to be found… but none of them seem to be anatomically correct.

And then, and then, this!
Look, Ma — hat tip to our buddies at Weather Scoop — it’s a genuine Brass Monkey Freeze Indicator!

Made of gleaming solid brass, this monkey stands six inches tall and comes with the necessary physical equipment to test the winter weather.

How fast it works depends on how cold it is. If Part B is still attached to Part A, then the environment is probably not dangerously cold. But if Part B is detached from Part A then the environment is below 23 degrees Fahrenheit, which is cold enough to…

What, only 23°Fahrenheit?
Wait, that’s, umm, minus-5°C — a lovely spring day!
Well, make allowances: the brass monkey’s created in tropical Texas, not a tough Canadian primate at all.
(But I still want one.)

When it’s cold enough outside to freeze, um, a brass monkey, sometimes all a girl wants to do is stoke up that fireplace and cosy up to a Significant Other with a snifter o’ cognac.

But what if the fire won’t start, or keeps dying out?
Way to kill a romantic mood!

How to Re-Kindle a Dying Fire? …Just Put Your Lips Together and Blow

New to me, this brass Blow Poker looks like a darned fine idea. A combination of bellows and poker, hand cast in solid brass, “Virginia’s Blowpipe” (from Jefferson Brass) comes equipped with the essential hardware to easily mount it on any wall or mantel.

Simply blow through the mouthpiece, pointing the poker at the base of the embers, and watch your fire instantly re-ignite!

Now I’ve lit the occasional fire in my day, and this just looks like a darned fine idea. Less of the unattractive puffing and panting with red face to the fire, ashes flying up your nose, eyes watering and hair frizzling (if not bursting into flames — go with the non-flammable hair products in the wintertime!) … more of the hot hot romance…