Photo: Perfecto Insecto

So, you never touched a drop of vile alcohol last night — and sure, I believe you! — but still, this morning, somehow, you woke up looking and feeling like something Shrek barfed up?

Let’s review what went wrong, shall we?

Too much sugar!

For many of us, last night we experienced the North American cultural phenomenon known as the Halloween fancy-dress candy binge…

If you’re not reading this on November 1st, maybe you can’t blame Halloween — but do a quick memory check: was there a sugar binge in there somewhere? Maybe your night involved a box of chocolates and a chick flick indulgence. Maybe it was an awesome dessert buffet table that called your name once too often. Maybe it was a box of donuts just sitting there, calling your name, on a side table in a dull meeting.

Whatever.

The point is, too much sugar goes into your system — buzzz!! you’re revving on all four cylinders, fast and productive and jazzed with energy!

And then what? Crash!

See, sometime or other in the middle of a sweet-centered evening — maybe just slightly queasy and with the beginnings of a headache — you’re going to have to stop stuffing your face with candy and go to bed. You go to sleep. And through the night your sky-high blood sugar levels start to naturally drop… and drop…

A sugar high lasts maybe a couple of hours after you start feeding it, so that’s what happens while you’re asleep. If you were awake, healthy li’l you might be able to fend off some of the nasty symptoms by jogging around the block, drinking water, eating crackers or such — but you can’t, because you’re asleep. By the time morning comes, your blood sugar level is at a real low. And frankly, you feel like crap.

What’s your immediate urge? Grab a quick easy sugary snack or a big glass of orange juice and crawl on back to bed to sleep it off.

See, sugar is sneaky. And powerful. Scientists have proven that it only takes 10 days for lab rats to get hopelessly addicted. Physically addicted to sugar! — and the poor little critters are probably psychologically addicted to sugar, too, for all we know, but no one ever asks the rodents how they feel…

But at least they don’t have to worry about zipping up their jeans after a week on the sugar high merry-go-round.

You eat a whack of sweet stuff. Your blood sugar levels skyrocket. You stop eating sweets, and a couple of hours later, you crash. Low blood sugar… you start craving sugar again! This is the point where, if you grab another handful of candy to satisfy that craving, that old blood sugar teeter-totter starts going madly up and down in the binge-and-crash cycle. And meanwhile, you’re grumpy and dopey and headachey and queasy and all the rest of the Seven Sugar-Addicted Dwarves, all the time.

And how do I know all this, you ask?
Experience, sweetheart. Sad, stupid — infinitely stupid — first-hand experience.

So I’m begging you now — put down that mini Hersey bar!
Step away from the Halloween leftovers!
Moderation is key: Your mother was right. Go have a decent bowl of oatmeal and a glass of milk, instead. Maybe, when you’re feeling a little better, a nice chicken Caesar salad — with just a small delicious perfect morsel of high-quality chocolate to savour slowly for dessert. Honest, you’ll feel better in the morning. And all your diabetic friends can stop laughing their asses off. And you’ll save a bundle on aspirin and Pepto-Bismal.