The seven boys and their coach’s wife died in a highway accident on their way home from a basketball game on the weekend — just minutes away from their hometown of Bathurst, New Brunswick. Today, schools and families all across Canada pay their respects as thousands attended the funeral for the seven lost members of the team known as The Boys in Red.

There have been some amazing tributes…

The news of the accident hit our region hard and deep. How could it not? So many of our children travel the snowy roads every weekend to attend sporting events… and these boys were so close to being safe at home…

Photo by m a r i s a

“If there’s anything I can do… please let me know.”

If you’ve ever lost a loved one, you’ve heard those words spoken. On the phone, in person, accompanied by a hug or a handshake, written inside a sympathy card…

And if you’ve ever anxiously stood by while a friend suffered through the process of grief and mourning a death, you’ve probably said the same thing yourself — meaning every word of it, too.

“If there’s anything I can do…” is usually born of a sense of helplessness, don’t you think? We ache for the friend who is in pain, we want to reach out and “fix” everything, but so often we just don’t know what to do.

So, what really does help, when someone you care about is struggling to come to terms with a sudden loss?

The answer is probably different for each individual, as we all react differently to different emotional situations –

I’ll bet you know someone who craves a big hug for comfort, for example, and others who turn inside their emotional wall to present a stoic face to the world. Me, I’m all in favour of the hugs. In fact, a physical touch is often a good start. Put an arm around your friend’s shoulder, and that touch can cut right through the awkwardness of searching for the right words…

Another thing that I’ve found helpful is to hear all the wonderful memories that different people treasure. To me, this man might be a father — but to these other people, he was a childhood playmate, a fellow student, a companion in adventure, an “old flame” or life-long friend, a respected colleague, and so on. Catching a glimpse of these other roles can only add depth to my own memories… and help me to feel that the life that has now ended was one of great richness and worth: a good life, well lived. And there is real comfort in that.

I’m still in the process of sorting it out in my mind, what that “anything” is that a friend might do… and by an interesting coincidence, I just came across this ebook on how to help the bereaved, that offers to help with:

* writing a condolence letter when someone loses a loved one

* how to offer to help without causing offence

* how to really listen to your bereaved friend

* cooking and shopping for the bereaved

* helping with children and teenagers

* helping with the mountain of paperwork that bereavement brings

* how to make holidays and short breaks fun again

* doing odd jobs around the house and garden

* being there for the long haul

* buying the right gift

Now, I haven’t read the book yet — just came across the mention of it this evening — but the very fact of its existence did make me think.

As the years roll on by, as Donna reflected, more and more of us are experiencing the loss of a parent or other loved one… and yet, all the old Victorian conventions of etiquette have been misplaced, and we no longer know what to do beyond buying a sympathy card.

“If there’s anything I can do…”

One thing I can tell you, if you’re the one who is bereaved:
it is possible that the greatest comfort may come to you from reaching out to comfort others.

Yes, there will be times when you just want to shut the doors and put your head down and howl like a wounded wild animal — but when you can, rise above and reach out. There is no more sure way of knowing, heart-deep, that you’re not alone.

Allowing others to give their condolences, remembering that they too may have been through the same experience recently, and welcoming their memories of the deceased — in short, trying to put the focus on comforting those who are also grieving the loss — there is a remarkable peace to be found in looking outward and giving back.

That’s my experience, anyway.

What do you do to help, when a friend is grieving?

What has a friend done that you find has helped you to carry on, when life is tough?

Today’s guest is DazzlinDonna, who lives up to her name with a simply dazzling personalized gift idea that combines the virtues of thrift and creativity with the kind of real meaning we seek in the holiday season. Thanks for sharing this, Donna! ~Jen

Christmas Remembrance Gifts

The holiday season is meant to be a joyous one, but as we age we often must deal with loss. Many of us have lost parents and grandparents, or other family members in the past, and they are very much missed at holiday gatherings. Nevertheless, they can still be a part of the festivities as we honor them with remembrance gifts.

I like to give remembrance gifts that utilize some bits of the loved one’s favorite clothing, knick-knacks, or crafts. For example, this year, we purchased several cobalt-blue glass jars from the local Dollar store (for $1 each), along with a few bags of pot-pourri. We then used my grandmother-in-law’s old lace doilies that she had crocheted many years ago, wrapped one around each vase, and tied a ribbon around the neck of the vase to keep the doily “attached” to the vase. Next, we simply filled the vase with pot-pourri, and it was ready to be given to her grandchildren as a gift to remember her by.

Of course, you don’t have to use a doily. You could cut up an old flannel shirt that your father used to always wear, or a cotton sweater that was a favorite of your mom’s, or any piece of cloth that represents someone’s past life. As long as the item evokes memories, it can be used in some way to create a remembrance gift, even if it is as simple as placing it within a nice frame.

A few years ago, I purchased several hair brushes that were identical to the one that my mother had used for as long as any of us could remember. I gave one to each sibling. It wasn’t the exact same brush we’d all used as kids, but it looked just like it, and that is enough to keep her in our hearts each time we use it now.

Little remembrance gifts such as these can make the holidays much more special as we honor those who used to share the holidays with us. May you and your family have a wonderful holiday season, and may you share your memories in very special ways, each and every year.

~ DazzlinDonna

Technorati Tags: Christmas, gifts, guest post

It was Remembrance Day 1999, and singer-songwriter Terry Kelly was in a drug store in Nova Scotia, Canada.

An announcement came over the store’s PA system, asking customers to give two minutes of silence at 11:00 AM — at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month — the annual token of respect for the nation’s veterans.

Read the letters and poems of the heroes at home
They have casualties, battles, and fears of their own
There’s a price to be paid if you go, if you stay
Freedom is fought for and won in numerous ways

On the stroke of 11:00, all the store fell silent.

All, that is, except for one man, who was accompanied by his little daughter. Oblivious of the example he was setting for the child, the man continued to try to talk to the sales clerk all through the respectful silence.

Take two minutes, would you mind?
It’s a pittance of time…

Terry Kelly did what artists have always done, in the grip of the strongest emotions — he channelled his anger into his music.

Lest we forget what Remembrance Day is all about, here’s the song:

When jewellery-crafter and artist Tracy found out that she had breast cancer, she felt like she had “fallen in a hole, and couldn’t get out — couldn’t get happy again”… 100% understandable, with such life-changing news.

It was her husband who had the idea for a representation of a ladder, an image that helped Tracy to climb out of that hole of unhappiness while she created a stunning piece of beaded art.

Mostly done improvisationally, this is my first completed bead embroidery piece. Miscellaneous seedy-beads, some Swarovski crystals, and one special (to me -– thank you Sander!) faceted hessonite garnet.

As we move toward October and Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I think of my sister-in-law who just got that diagnosis that every woman dreads to hear… and I think of Jane, my friend lost to breast cancer, of whom I’ve written before… and Tracy’s brave beautiful beading declaration of hope and strength — the glittering ladder reaching up to the stars — is just tremendously moving.