Nature Abhors a Vacuum Cleaner

Compared to a brisk jog or cardio class, of course you’re not going to burn off a lot of calories if all you do is drift around with a duster from time to time.

No argument there.

Nature abhors a vacuum, and if I can only walk with sufficient carelessness I am sure to be filled. — Henry David Thoreau

Just the same, vacuuming can be quite a tiring workout, especially in the upper arms and lower back, despite the experts who tell us that housework is not good exercise…

My elderly auntie did the big Happy Dance when her doctor advised against pushing the vaccuum cleaner around, lest it trigger an attack of angina… now I’m trying to figure out how to get doctor’s orders to cut back on the chore! Damn this rude good health of mine!

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as cats do. — Lee Entrekin

I do not like vacuuming. But the dust bunnies don’t get rid of themselves, do they?

My roommates and I used to have an ancient Electolux metal canister vacuum with one wonky wheel, a hand-me-down from a college buddy’s grandmother. I’ll spare you the hideous details of that Appliance From Hell.

(I’ll spare you the details of my adventure with the Salesman From Hell, too, who tried to hook me up with lifetime payments on a Filter Queen that would have cost me more than a casual cocaine habit. In fact, the less said about door-to-door salesmen, the better!)

Many products designed to make life and work easier emerged from the (American) Industrial Revolution. Among them was the lowly vacuum cleaner. — The Vintage Vacuum Cleaner Museum

Anyway, I finally worked myself up to dragging into Sears for a modest Kenmore and dumped the Granny Vac.

But even the shiny new plastic machine did not soften my heart towards this particular household chore. Except that the new machine actually created an effective vacuum, instead of just puffing out stale warm air to rearrange the dust and dog hair, which was rather encouraging.

It’s so tempting to think that perhaps there’s one perfect appliance out there, somewhere, that will turn me into Little Susie Homemaker in a frilly apron and a sunny smile… and now I read that Bosch has a compact vacuum cleaner that weighs in at a mere 9.5 lbs — less than the turkey that’s in my freezer right now. Could this be the machine of my dreams?

The top-of-the-line Compact Plus Hard Floor model is perfect for hardwood floors due to its combination roller nozzle, rubberized non-scuffing wheels and special hard floor tool with polishing pad. Other convenient features include a two-in-one tool for upholstery and crevices and an automatically retracting cord. — Bosch

Okay. I’m prepared to hope that a lightweight compact machine like this just might make housework slightly less of a workout. But even so, would I ever look forward to doing it? Or cease to complain about the necessity?Not in this lifetime, dear.

The bottom line is, I do not like vacuuming. I do not like lugging the stupid thing up and downstairs, plugging and unplugging, switching tools for different tasks, clearing the dust-bunnies out of the little brush on the floor attachment, and getting the cord tangled up in chair legs and dogs, scuffing the corners of walls and banging into things…

I do not like vacuuming. And no mere appliance — no matter how top-of-the-line /state-of-the-art /sparkling /new /sleek /lightweight /convenient /compact it may be! — is going to change that.